face mask 15

The right (and wrong) ways to use a face mask

Yup, there really are right and wrong ways to use a face mask. Fact is that we all think we know how to use them because we once caught the end of Grey’s Anatomy as we waited for Naked Attraction to start. The reality is that there will always be that one bloke who used his as a bollock protector only to need elastic removing from a twisted scrote. Don’t be that person. Here’s how…

The wrong ways…

When you rock up at a mate’s house to convince them that a free online course qualifies you to remove their kidneys. I mean, yeah, it’s all fun and games but c’mon. A proper surgeon would never find a medical grade mask with ‘shitbrain’ written across it.

When it follows the urge to commit a ludicrous crime. A friend once knew a bloke who held up a petrol station with a toffee hammer because he’d seen it done on Crimewatch. He also thought he’d blown off his own hand, when it was really caught in his sleeve, after hacking through a live cable with an axe. He would totally have worn a face mask for this purpose. Don’t make me explain the moral of this story.

When licking a door handle/ hand rail/ the steps from Kings Cross tube station. That’s because wearing a face mask doesn’t grant you a weird immunity to Covid-19. It’s a mask, not a magic wand. It simply helps stop you giving it to anyone else.

When you are tanning. Unless you want to look like Trump with a flesh-coloured beard, that’s not one of the ways to use a face mask. Much like Donald Trump not being the way you want to conduct yourself as a human being, full stop.

When you lift it off your face to talk to people in the supermarket, you complete bloody clown (and yes, people ARE judging).

When you think it would be a handy hamster hammock. In fact, it WOULD be a handy hamster hammock! *suddenly pivot’s business from women to rodents*

When you think it would make a handy hamster catapult. In fact, it WOULD make… *also pivots business to evil-bastard children*

When you use it in your, frankly, terrifying sex games. Really, if you need gear that makes you look like a germ-aware pervert please buy it from someone other than me.

The right ways…

When you want to protect others from you, instead of sparing you the enduring filth of others. I know, I know, the rest of the world is hateful but it’s YOUR duty to not let it die. Why? Because until you learn to do your own dental work or fly a plane to Magaulf, you actually need it.

When you know what you are doing. Don’t just blindly listen to me when it comes to ways to use a face mask. I’m just a highly menopausal feminist in a shed. Google the facts and the evidence, check out such sites as this one by the World Health Organisation (https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public/when-and-how-to-use-masks) and make your own responsible choices about mask wearing. Suing me because you were dull enough to think a mask was a superpower will bag you a life-time’s supply of buttons, not £15 million in compensation.

When you buy it in a print that you love because it shows flair and individuality. Er, as long as individuality doesn’t mean thinking that you can beat the virus by shouting at the local 5G mast while washing your feet in raw onions.

When you remember that it is not a replacement for social distancing (although if you eat the aforementioned raw onion you won’t need to worry about that bit).

When you are utterly selfish with it. By that, I mean not sharing it with anyone. Seriously. Listen. Everyone in your family should have their own mask and they should be washed after every use. The masks, I mean, not your family, although what you and your partner get up to on a Saturday night is between you and A&E.

When it saves you ordering PPE with some next-level-shit Groupon voucher. I saw a fella in Sainsbury’s last week and he was wearing the full medical-grade mask and visor. To buy bread. My gut reaction was to wonder which terrified nurse or doctor was going without as a result.

When it doesn’t stop you washing your hands. Really. WASH YOUR HANDS.

When you don’t treat it as medical-grade. I know, I mentioned this in the ‘wrong ways’ but here’s a fact: for every five people who read this properly there’ll be one who won’t. They’ll then assail me with comments about my masks not being medical-grade. So I’ve said it twice. Berate me at your peril.

When you decide to buy a mask from me. In up to 36 prints. And if you don’t like the prints you see on the product page, just let me know what print you want and I can source it for you. At no extra cost too (unless you want some wildly extortionate print that makes me stall my mortgage payments when I buy it in). Check out the deets here and hit me up with any questions.

So stay safe, you lot. Stay alert (whatever the hell that means) and stay alive. If my customers start dying we’re all buggered. *panic-googles ‘businesses selling hammocks to rodents’*